Conflict is an inevitable part of relationships, but when disagreements turn into battles for dominance, no one truly wins. The mindset of "you win, I lose" is common yet rarely discussed, and it can transform the simplest disagreements into power struggles that leave both partners feeling unseen, unheard, and disempowered.

Recognising the “You Win, I Lose” Mentality

A viewer of my YouTube channel once shared this question: "When I have a conflict with my partner, I often think, ‘If she wins, I lose,’ which leaves me wrestling with envy and resentment anytime she gets her way. How can I handle this differently?"

At first glance, some might label this behaviour as selfish, but let’s take a closer look. Often, this mindset is rooted in deeper patterns and emotional wounds. For couples who genuinely want to change their dynamics, understanding these underlying issues can be transformative.

Conflict: A Surface for Deeper Patterns

When we fight about chores, money, or holiday plans, the argument rarely revolves around the surface issue. Instead, these disagreements often stem from deeper emotional patterns. Many couples believe they’ve had hundreds of arguments when, in reality, they’ve been having the same argument over and over with different details.

For example, if you feel the need to “win” arguments, you might actually be fighting for control, validation, or protection from feeling disempowered. If your partner often accommodates you, it might reflect a history of self-sacrifice or fear of confrontation. The key is to identify what’s really at stake in these conflicts.

Getting to the Root of the Conflict

If you tend to approach conflicts as a zero-sum game, take some time to reflect on past arguments. For instance, what were you really fighting for? How did the idea of your partner “winning” make you feel? Did you feel weak, disempowered, or humiliated?

These reactions may feel disproportionate to the actual situation, but they offer valuable clues to underlying patterns. Ask yourself: have past experiences left you mistrustful of others? Did you learn to prioritise control as a survival strategy?

It’s not about judging yourself harshly. Recognising these patterns is the first step towards change.

Transforming the Dynamic

If you see conflict as a win-lose scenario, it may help to view your defensive reactions as a survival mode that once served you. Acknowledge its role but gently remind yourself that your partner is not the source of those past wounds. For example, you might tell yourself: “I understand where this need to dominate comes from. It protected me in the past, but I’m not in those situations anymore. My partner is not my enemy, and I want to do something different in this relationship.”

This self-awareness opens the door to building a healthier dynamic, where empathy and collaboration replace competition. By addressing the underlying patterns driving conflict, both you and your partner can feel seen, heard, and valued.

You might enjoy this YouTube video on this topic.