Do you often find yourself fearing the loss of your partner or loved ones? You're not alone. Let's explore where this fear comes from and how it manifests in our lives.

What It Looks Like:

• Maybe it's a fear that manifests in constantly worrying that they might die.
• Perhaps you have unfounded suspicions that they could be cheating on you.
• You might find yourself never committing to one person, avoiding becoming too reliant on anyone.
• Or maybe you become upset and demanding if your partner spends any time away from you.
• You may seldom assert yourself or your own wishes, for fear that your partner may become angry and leave.

Where It Comes From: There are many ways that fear of abandonment can manifest, but where does it come from?

All of us have a basic human need for warm, loving, supportive relationships. In childhood, the reliability and consistency of caregivers give a child confidence to explore the world and develop their independence.

According to Janet Klosko and Jeffrey Young in their book Reinventing Your Life, there are two possible origins of a fear of abandonment. These origins can coexist, meaning you might experience one or both.

The First Origin: Rooted in life experiences where you were overly protected, not given the freedom or autonomy to explore and do things independently. For instance:

• Childhood illness that resulted in parents being overly protective.
• An anxious parent who was too fearful to let you take age-appropriate risks.

If you've had these experiences, you might see yourself as less competent and more dependent on others, feeling a constant need for help and support.

The Second Origin: Stemming from experiences where important people in your life were unstable or unpredictable. This could be:

• Literal abandonment, such as through divorce or the death of a caregiver.
• Emotional unavailability, if a caregiver was distracted by serious issues and couldn't meet your needs.

These experiences might lead you to expect others to be inconsistent or unavailable. You may become overly independent, rooted in the belief that people cannot be relied upon.

Impact of Childhood Experiences: Having these experiences doesn’t automatically mean you will have a fear of abandonment. Some of us are more biologically or genetically wired to be sensitive to such experiences than others. The impact of painful experiences can be compensated for by kind, consistent, and empathic care from other people in your life.

Even someone with a secure pattern of relating can have that security rocked in adulthood due to abusive relationships or betrayal.

Reflection and Understanding: Reflecting back on your past can help tell the story of where your needs were unmet and help you identify what you need to nurture more security in your relationships and overcome your fear of abandonment.

Think of our dual need for closeness and autonomy as the two legs on which healthy relationships stand. Too much of one or not enough of the other is destabilizing.

Childhood and Adult Patterns: A secure relationship in childhood is a foundation for exploring and building independence with confidence that a parent will be there when needed.

Children who see themselves as incompetent and in need of constant reassurance may grow up to be overly dependent on their partners.

Children who see their caregivers as distant or unreliable may become upset and angry at their absence, which can manifest as excessive jealousy and demands in adulthood.

Working on Your Fear: Understanding your history and the origins of your fear of abandonment can help you work out what you need:

• If you tend to merge and rely too much on others, focus on building your autonomy and self-reliance.
• If you react with jealousy and emotional extremes, work on soothing your emotions and respecting others' independence.
• If you distance yourself, build your ability to rely on and get close to others.