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We need to talk about narcissism. I am concerned that a lot of the discourse on social media about narcissism is overly simplistic and black and white and a long way from the current scientific literature on narcissism. I don't think this is helpful to people who have survived abuse in a relationship with someone who might be considered narcissistic. I don't think it helps people navigate difficult relationships well. I don't think it helps people who are struggling with issues of narcissism to heal or to make positive changes in their lives. 

In my work as a clinical psychologist, I work with a wide spectrum of people with are dealing with issues of narcissism. This includes everyone from people who have survived the most extreme and systematic abuse from someone who is narcissistic to people who are narcissistic and genuinely want to change and grow. I also work with couples where one partner is narcissistic and both are committed to working together to nurture the relationship. 

If we are going to talk about narcissism in a way that is helpful to anyone, then I think we need to have an accurate, empathic and compassionate understanding of narcissism.

I want to be crystal clear that nothing in this blog justifies abusive behaviour in a relationship and if you are in that situation, I would encourage you to seek help from organisations who specialise in domestic abuse, and from the police if necessary. Click here for a comprehensive list of support available in the UK.

As a therapist who works with people who are high in narcissism, I think there is good reason to be hopeful that those who want to can grow and develop healthier ways to relate to themselves and to others. However, that hope does not extend to hoping an abusive relationship is going to change or to suggesting anyone stays in a relationship in the hope that abusive or a pervasive pattern of hurtful behaviour is going to stop. 

Narcissism exists on a spectrum (which includes healthy narcissism). However, even for those who live with pathological narcissism, it exists on a spectrum and not everyone who has pathological narcissism is hurtful in their relationships to the same extent, severity or pervasiveness. Not everyone who is narcissistic is abusive to their partners. And of course, people are also navigating relationships with narcissistic parents, siblings, other family member,  friends and coworkers. 

What causes narcissism?

My training in schema therapy has provided me with a helpful way to understand narcissism. As with any other aspect of personality, narcissism likely emerges as an interaction between someone's innate temperament and the environment in which they live. Early formative life experiences form the patterns (or schemas) whereby someone sees themselves, relates to other people and to the world around them. I suspect that someone who is narcissistic likely came into the world with heightened sensitivity and was maybe more impulsive and adventurous than the average child. There is nothing wrong with those traits and they may have advantages. The evidence is clear that people who develop pathological narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder are more likely to have experienced childhood maltreatment including severe emotional neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse etc. Many have found themselves in trouble in school and seen as the "bad kid". Most have found themselves, alone in the world without an attuned and responsive adult to take care of them. Some have found themselves getting validation and attention through impressive achievements.

There are some who talk about narcissists as having been over indulged. That is not my experience. It seems more likely that they have been given far too much freedom (e.g. to stay out late, get into risky situations, consume alcohol or use other substances) and not had anyone firmly and lovingly hold them to account. This might be quite exciting for a young person because it is normal to seek independence and autonomy. However, too much independence and autonomy can be overwhelming and dangerous, leaving a young person feeling simultaneously uncared for and powerful.

That young person believes they are seen as unimportant and irrelevant and cannot expect people to be there for them in a loving and supportive way. They learn to expect to be alone or to be punished and that only extraordinary achievements in some area of life will be enough to prove themselves. They learn to rely on themselves and on nobody else, becoming independent lone rangers. Competent, confident and in control (on the surface, at least) but disconnected, lonely and distrustful underneath. 

Far from being a disorder of 'self love', narcissism involves a deep sense of shame and defectiveness, an expectation that that other will be abusive and that the world is largely unsafe.

Schema Modes

These core schemas can manifest themselves in different ways at different times. At the core of all of us is a vulnerable child. If a child's needs are unmet, strong and unhealthy schemas can develop. The goal in schema therapy is to reach the vulnerable child and meet their needs. In people with narcissism, the vulnerable child is usually very well hidden, with many 'narcissists' denying it exists at all. The inner child in narcissism is generally intensely lonely and neglected.

All us have inner critic modes that represent the internalised messages we have taken from parents, caregivers, schools and our wider communities. These modes can be bullying, guilt inducing, cold and hostile. The inner critic in narcissism is usually a constant barrage of telling them they are worthless, inferior and loathsome unless they can prove themselves in some extraordinary way. Surprised? From being a disorder of self-love, narcissistic personality disorder is a disorder of self hatred. Only perfection and extraordinariness are acceptable. They cannot expect to be loved and valued for just being themselves. 

How does anyone cope with having a small, lonely, vulnerable child and a brutal inner critic? They develop coping modes in order to protect their little selves and defend themselves against the cruel inner criticism. These modes broadly fall into 2 categories: detached modes and over-compensation modes. These modes are usually closest to the surface and the ones that other people are most likely to meet.

In detached modes the person escapes the torment of the inner critic and their demands, escaping and disconnecting from their own feelings and often from people around them. In narcissism, detached modes can be quite self-stimulating and excitement seeking and can take any number of forms from use of alcohol and other substances, excessive use of pornography to the extent that it impacts someone's day to day functioning and/or interferes with their relationships, gambling, excessive spending, excessive social media use etc. What all these behaviours share in common is detaching from core, painful feelings. Unfortunately, for anyone in close relationship with a 'narcissist', such detachment can result in feelings of loneliness, abandonment and emotional neglect. Some of the detached modes can also lead to harmful and hurtful behaviours. For example, use of alcohol/substances can increase the likelihood of angry outbursts or aggression. The use of sexual behaviour to detach and self-soothe can lead to infidelity and betrayal and all the hurt and pain that goes along with that. 

Whilst not denying their impact or suggesting that someone engaging in detached modes is not responsible for their behaviour (they are), it can be helpful to recognise that the intention behind detached modes is not to deliberately hurt other people (although they very much do). A 'narcissist' engaging in detachment to this degree is cutting off from deep and shameful experiences that cannot be acknowledged because they have no expectation that anyone could, like, respect or love them if they saw their vulnerability, struggles or weaknesses.

Over-compensation modes are ways to over compensate for feelings of inferiority, weakness and inadequacy. They may include bigging yourself up, perfectionistic achievement with no tolerance for weakness. This mode can result in impressive achievements but nothing is ever good enough. Narcissistic people cannot imagine that other people would be happy or joyful at their success and instead expect to be envied, feared or competed with. Unfortunately, this tends to perpetuate the demand for ever more achievement and impressiveness and ever more disconnection and feeling unseen for anything other than the impressive achievements they put forward. 

Another way of over-compensating for feelings of vulnerability is being hyper autonomous. A little child who has been neglected, left to their own devices, perpetually let down by adults they should be able to depend on, may well cope by becoming hyper autonomous and independent. It can feel powerful to protect yourself from ever having to rely on anyone, from ever being disappointed and from doing it all on your own. There can he a (not unreasonable) sense of pride in such autonomy and independence but it also maintains difficulties in being able to collaborate and develop healthy interdependence with other people. 

People who hare high in narcissism are highly prone to shame and deeply concerned about being seen in a bad light or being seen as weak or vulnerable. Even making a small mistake, experiencing a minor criticism or the perception that someone else is looking down on them can trigger extreme defensiveness with the aim of protecting them selves from shame or criticism. Such an angry protector mode can be highly hurtful to other people 

Why 'narcissists' don't want to let go of their coping modes

As counter productive as these modes may be, they have usually been the survival mechanisms that have enabled someone to get through extreme neglect, physical abuse, sexual abuse and other dangerous situations intact. They have enabled the person to attain impressive accomplishments that they should rightly be proud of. They have almost certainly given a person power and control in situations where they would otherwise have had none.

However, these modes are not conducive to loving, reciprocal relationships and generally keep a narcissistic person at a distance from anyone they might get close to. They usually perpetuate the very schemas they were designed to cope with. They can lead other people to be angry, hurt and resentful, thus reinforcing the idea that you are defective, that other people cannot be trusted and that you need to maintain hyper autonomy. 

Much of the discourse about narcissism on social model reflects narcissistic critic modes, declaring that people with narcissism are demonic, toxic and to be avoided at all costs. If ever there was a way to goad narcissistic coping modes into action, it would be to tell them they are flawed, hated and contemptible. Such statements drive the very schemas that are at the heart of narcissism. 

I want to be clear, I would never suggest anyone stays in a relationship where they are being hurt or abused, or even where they may be happier outside of a relationship but it isn't always so simple or black and white. However, I don[t think it helps people who have been abused in their relationships by someone who might well have been narcissistic, to view all narcissistic people as fundamentally bad, rotten to the core and incapable of better. I am not asking anyone to be more forgiving or more accepting of bad behaviours. In fact, I would argue the opposite, one key to having more constructive relationships is to be clear and firm about your boundaries and what behaviour you do or do not find acceptable. 

However, I hope having a more empathic understanding of narcissism with some nuance might help people to cope with the challenges of that relationship. It is often said that in narcissistic relationship there is a lot of cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance arises when there is conflicting or confusing information. Narcissistic people are confusing and conflicting, especially in close relationships where someone might see glimpses of their vulnerability or their healthier adult self as well as hurtful and distancing coping modes.  One way to deal with that is to make excuses for the person in order to maintain a perception of the relationship as good. Indeed, this is a dynamic that many people in abusive relationships will recognise in themselves. Another way to cope with cognitive dissonance might be to do the exact opposite of this and demonise the other person entirely.

This may not reflect the whole truth or the complexity of difficult relationships. Failing to understand that complexity can leave people feeling like they were foolish to be in a relationship, that they were duped or tricked. Whilst sometimes this can be the case, most of the time, I don't think narcissistic people deliberately set out to trick or dupe their partners into a relationship. 

Understanding the behaviours from a different perspective may help you to appreciate them for what they are and make peace with what has happened. It may help you to navigate the ending of a difficult relationship as calmly as possible (although I fully acknowledge, ending a relationship peacefully is not always possible). For people in relations with 'narcissists' that are complicated, undnerstnading narcissism  accurately may help you to understand the behaviours, their effects on you and hold boundaries with a sense of calmness and fairness and in a manner that seeks to serve the relationship.

Last, but by no means least, for 'narcissists' reading this, I hope this allows you to understand yourself a little bit more, have some hope that it is possible to view narcissism through a lens of empathy and compassion. I have the deepest of respect and admiration for the narcissists who make their way into my therapy room and for the courage it takes to show up and allow me to get to know all of their parts and in a compassionate and firm way support you to develop a strong, sturdy adult who can take good care of your vulnerable self, stand up to your inner critic modes with a sense of deep compassion and strength of behalf of your vulnerable child and take charge of the coping modes so they don't get to run the show. Instead, you get to build the safety and security that you may never have had before and to relate to other people as that strong and sturdy healthy adult who does not need to hide vulnerability or be impressive in order to be loved. If you have the courage to show up and commit to looking at yourself with honesty, then my view is that there is good reason to be hopeful about the possibility of change and growth.