For a video on this topic, click here

One of the most helpful concepts applied to how people make sense of abusive relationships is cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is the discomfort we feel when we have conflicting experiences, believes and emotions. Abusive relationships tend to create a lot of dissonance as our partner is pleasant and caring one moment and cruel and punishing another. As humans, we are driven to resolve dissonance and may do so in overly simplistic ways.

If you are in a abusive relationship, you may find yourself making excuses for your partner, excusing their behaviour or blaming yourself. This allows you to preserve your image of your partner as a good and loving person to you. The reality is likely far more complicated. There may be times when you feel close to your partner or feel there is something special about your relationship AND there are also hurtful, critical and abusive behaviours that harm the relationship and cause considerable suffering. 

Another way to cope with dissonance is to label your ex partner as a bad, evil and irredeemable narcissist. This can help to alleviate a sense of responsibility and self blame, which may be a necessary correction if you have blamed yourself for your partner's behaviour. It can also lead to questioning yourself, seeing yourself as fundamentally flawed or incapable of healthy relationships or that you were stupid and tricked into a relationship by a bad person. It also paints a rather hopeless and disempowered picture of yourself in relationships. 

The chances are that your partner, you and your relationship were all more complicated than that. You, your partner and your relationship had good and attractive qualities. You also may have had some qualities that did not serve the relationship. That may include aggression, criticism, stonewalling and neglectful behaviour. It is essential that you, in your own mind at least, recognise that someone who has behaved in a cruel and abusive manner is wholly responsible for their behaviour. 

However, if the only story you have is that your partner was an evil narcissist, then you have a very limited story. It is equally important to look closely at yourself and ask, who did I become in this relationship? A quiet, appeasing and self blaming partner tip-toeing around for fear of provoking abuse. An angry, argumentative, critical opponent in cruel and relentless fight. If you can view your reactions without blaming yourself or becoming critical of yourself you can really get to know yourself better. You can start asking yourself, what do I wish I had done more of? What do I wish I had done less of? What might I have done differently. It can begin to open up a picture of areas where you would like to focus your attention now so you can grow and develop. Do you need to find your strong and sturdy voice in order to say no when you want to say no and to ask for the things you need and want? Do you want to become more tolerant, curious and  open to what other people around you have to say rather than becoming overwhelmed or defensive if it seems to threaten you? Are there relationships in which you can begin to gradually nurture these new qualities. 

You may also find you can get a broader perspective on your partner.  Without excusing or minimising abusive or hurtful behaviours, you can understand some of their better qualities and some of the reasons they are as they are. You can face the disappointment that you were not able to be to your partner what they needed you to be or what you would have liked to have been to them. That's not to imply any inadequacy on your part, sometimes people's behaviour and treatment of you mean you cannot possibly meet their needs or offer them warmth and support in a healthy and reciprocal relationship. 

Acknowledging those complexities and nurturing your own self growth can be especially helpful if you are navigating an ongoing relationship with someone who has been abusive or hurtful to you, whether that's an ex-partner with whom you need to coparent, a parent or another family member or a friend in your wider circle. And no, it may not change their behaviour or make a close relationship possible, but it can help you stay strong, sturdy and more able to calmly hold your own boundaries. This will certainly make things better for you, and in some cases, the relationship.