Learn to trust again
Nov 10, 2023
If you have experienced abuse, betrayal or persistently hurtful behaviour in your relationships, it is understandable that you might develop a strong sense of other people as untrustworthy and likely to abuse you. In schema therapy we think about 3 key ways that you might cope with this underlying sense of mistrust:
1. Avoidance
2. Surrender
3. Overcompensations.
Avoidance
If you view others as dangerous, you might end up distancing yourself or keeping them at arm's length, which can fuel feelings of loneliness and disconnection. Cruelly, being isolated and lonely can make you more vulnerable to abuse and exploitation.
Surrender
If you hold tight to the belief that relationships are always treacherous, you might end up accepting malice and tolerating toxic conduct. This, sadly, could lead to a lack of action on your part to protect yourself from dangerous situations. Consequently, you may end up experiencing even more harmful relationships, which only reinforces your conviction that relationships are indeed hazardous.
Over-compensation
If you're constantly scanning for red flags of abuse or hurtful behavior, you could end up on high alert, jumping to anger and aggression even in run-of-the-mill disagreement. This can rob you of the opportunity to learn how to handle disagreements in a positive way, launching a vicious cycle that feeds the belief that relationships are hazardous and always escalate into intractable conflict.
These strategies are all designed and intended to keep you safe but inadvertently reinforce the mistrust that you feel in other people. Some may even put you more at risk of being hurt, abused or taken advantage of.
You may be able to slowly ease out of these strategies and rebuild trust in yourself and in your relationships, whilst also building genuine safety and community around you. Here are some suggestions
Instead of Avoidance
Take gradual baby steps towards making new connections. Try saying hi to someone you usually wouldn't, or accept that work lunch invitation. Share something more personal if you usually hold back. As you tiptoe into this social experiment, take note of how different folks respond to your approach. This could be the key to discovering more fulfilling and supportive relationships.
Instead of Surrender
Build your assertiveness skills. Make requests, ask for what you want, communicate if you don’t like something or if you do. Share your perspective. Then, watch how different people react. Some may not show you the respect you deserve, but don't panic. That is useful information about those people. You’ll expand your experiences in relationships, learn what it is to feel respected and cared about and build your confidence to hold your boundaries and take care of yourself.
Instead of Over-compensating
Practice listening carefully before reacting and questioning your initial reactions to other people’s behaviour. Practice saying what you think and feel in a gentle way and observe how people respond. This can help build your confidence in your ability to be a good advocate for yourself without becoming overly aggressive or confrontational and give you the experience of resolving conflicts in a more collaborative way.
You can watch Dr Ruth Ann discussing these issues in more detail here.
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