To see a video I made about this click here. 

Does it seem like everyone's horrible ex partner might be a narcissist all of a sudden? Is armchair diagnosing narcissism hurting our relationships?

If you have been through an abusive or very hurtful relationship, it is completely understandable that you want to make sense of that relationship. You might rightfully recognise a pattern that's consistent with narcissism. Learning more about narcissism (and I mean really learning about narcissism, not the caricature of a narcissist that is so prevalent on the internet) can help you make sense of some very hurtful and abusive behaviours and where they may have come from. It can also help you to understand your reactions, and the dynamics of that relationship. Whilst appreciating the value of this, there is a danger in armchair diagnosis. You could get it wrong. 

It is not unusual for me as a couples therapist to have a couple come to me where one person is convinced the other person is a narcissist. However, when I assess them, its also not usual for me to see no signs of narcissism at all. Perhaps there are patterns of insecure relationship patterns, relationship anxiety, fear of intimacy, untreated mental illness or problems with substances. There are all kinds of reasons why people experience challenges in their relationships. Unfortunately, mis-identifying someone else's behaviour as a sign of narcissism, it can lead to misinterpreting their behaviour in catastrophic ways that hurt the relationship.

It may be that the partner who is 'accused' of narcissism has behaved in some highly hurtful ways such as sexual infidelity, being highly critical or emotionally neglectful. I'm certainly not suggesting that anyone gets let off the hook for hurtful behaviours (narcissist or not). If you do not understand your partner's behaviour and their motivation accurately, that does not help the relationship, nor does it help you to evaluate the relationship and whether or not it is good to stay or move on.

Mis-understanding your partner's behaviour as narcissistic if it isn't, prevents you from really understanding each other, being able to empathise and being able to come to a place of clarity regarding how you can either build trust and intimacy in the relationship or bring the relationship to an end as peaceably as possible. 

I've also seen people approach early relationships and meeting new people with spotting red flags, aiming to spot and root out potential narcissists. While it is understandable that you may want to avoid getting into a relationship with someone who is similar to a previous partner, overly focusing on spotting red flags can mean you miss all kinds of valuable and rich information about a potential partner. 

When I work with people who are exploring new relationships after an abusive relationship, I usually suggest that they treat it as an opportunity to get to know themselves better. If you can approach meeting new people with an attitude of curiosity about them, yourself, how you are in relationship with different people and find ways to express yourself and communicate your feelings and needs, there is a lot to discover. 

In approaching new relationships, being able to focus on yourself, understanding your feelings and reactions and being able to articulate them first to yourself and then to the person you are with is an excellent starting point. If you can communicate calmly, without defensiveness or attack, you can create an opportunity to learn a lot about a new partner. You can find out whether they're interested in you, how willing and/or able they are to meet your needs and whether they can communicate with you in kind. 

Such communication can provide a foundation of empathy, mutual compassion, intimacy and trust. In an early relationship, this can set the tone for the future. In a relationship with a longstanding pattern of hurtful behaviours or where there has been a major betrayal of trust, then it may be necessary to have the help of a couples' therapist to do this well. 

Research from the Gottman institute is clear that people who enjoy their lasting relationships, don't necessarily fight less than people who are unhappy or who decide to leave. The biggest difference is that couples in satisfying relationship are able to repair their relationships. They're able to turn to their partner, understand their partner, be understood and apologise without defensiveness. Whatever the underlying relationship pattern has been in your current or past relationship, learning the art of repairing ruptures can be transformative. 

Sometimes people will tell me that they have communicated clearly and calmly and that it 'didn't work', the other person blew up at them, became critical or dismissive or put them down. I would suggest that, this is not a failure. You are still getting very useful information about the other person. In this situation, it may not be the information you were hoping for and it is not good news for the future of the relationship. However, it puts you in a strong place to have clarity about the person you are with and whether this is a relationship to pursue further.

You don't need to be able to recognise narcissism to have a satisfying relationship but you do need to be able to communicate your internal experiences, the feelings you have, your hopes, wants and needs and to have a partner who can hopefully do the same. Nobody does this perfectly. We are all human and we all mess up and have conflict in our relationships. But, if both people are willing to come together in the spirit of curiosity and compassion, then building shared empathy, compassion and intimacy is possible.