When spirituality is misused, it’s not uncommon to hear statements like:

• “It’s not spiritual to be so upset—you need to work on being less attached…”
• “God has put it on my heart to change jobs and move to a new city. Yes, I know this uproots our entire family, but you don’t want to disobey God, do you…?”
• “That friend is leading you into sin—you should stay away from them.”
• “You seem angry. Your emotions are really out of control—I thought you practiced mindfulness…”

If any of these phrases sound familiar, you may have encountered spiritual abuse in a relationship. In this post, I want to dive into how spirituality, something that should uplift and nourish us, can sometimes be twisted in ways that cause real harm. We’ll uncover the subtle, and sometimes not-so-subtle, ways that spiritual practices can be misused—whether by others or even by ourselves—and, more importantly, we’ll explore practical strategies to protect your spiritual well-being.

What is Spiritual Bypassing?

Psychotherapist John Welwood introduced the term spiritual bypassing to describe using spirituality as a way to avoid dealing with psychological issues, interpersonal conflict, or personal struggles. In other words, it’s like taking old vulnerabilities, fears, and harmful coping strategies—including behaviors that can hurt others—and repackaging them as a spiritual act.

Let’s explore a few ways this can manifest. 

1. Avoidance Disguised as Spirituality

Imagine someone who is anxious about closeness and intimacy—perhaps they fear rejection or feel like a failure if they disappoint their partner. Typically, this person might cope by avoiding deep emotional connections altogether, something most of us would recognize as unhealthy. But what if they reframed this avoidance as a spiritual practice?

They might engage in long periods of meditation, prayer, or even practice celibacy to ‘focus on God’ or to emphasize non-attachment. While this may seem noble on the surface, the effect is that they miss out on the joy and richness of close relationships. If you care about someone like this, you might feel pushed away, unloved, or uncared for.

Over time, this dynamic can become incredibly painful, leaving you feeling frustrated and emotionally distant.

2. Self-Criticism as Spiritual Discipline

Now, think of someone who is extremely critical and demanding of themselves. This person might use spirituality to punish themselves, rejecting their own needs and being intolerant of any emotional pain or weakness. They see these as signs of spiritual or moral failure and may harshly judge themselves for any mistakes.

Sadly, this internal self-criticism often spills over into their relationships, especially with those closest to them. If you’re going through something painful, they may dismiss your experience, viewing your emotions as a personal or spiritual failing rather than offering you love and support. Their harsh judgment leaves you feeling guilty, ashamed, and possibly believing that you're as weak as they suggest.

3. Controlling Behaviors Disguised as Obedience to God

It’s one thing for a partner to try to control you by telling you what to do and making demands—but what happens when they claim divine authority for their actions? What if they say God is speaking to them or that they have attained a higher level of spiritual wisdom than you?

Suddenly, it’s not just about defying them—it’s about defying God. This manipulation becomes even more insidious within faith communities, where collective pressure can strip you of your autonomy and freedom. You may find yourself unable to express your emotions, make independent decisions, or think for yourself—all under the guise of spiritual obedience.

This kind of spiritual abuse can leave you feeling trapped, isolated, and afraid to question the very faith or beliefs you once found solace in.

4. Spirituality as a Mask for Narcissistic Grandiosity

People with narcissistic tendencies may use spirituality as a way to reinforce their sense of superiority. They believe they possess a ‘higher perspective’ and feel morally or spiritually superior to others. This grandiosity often placates a demanding inner critic—one that has no tolerance for human flaws or emotional vulnerability.

Being in a relationship with someone like this can be deeply challenging because it blocks any possibility of experiencing genuine love and connection. Their air of superiority can leave you feeling inferior, doubting yourself, and questioning your worth—all while they claim to be ‘enlightened’ or spiritually evolved.

Spiritual Bypassing vs. Spiritual Abuse

While spiritual bypassing involves using spirituality to avoid difficult emotional truths, spiritual abuse takes this one step further. Spiritual abuse occurs when someone uses spirituality as a tool to control, manipulate, or harm you. This can be devastating, especially within a faith community, where the abuse can strip you of both your sense of self and your spiritual foundation.

Reclaiming Your Spiritual Journey

So, how do you reclaim your spiritual journey from the misuse or abuse of spirituality?

1. Stay Open-Minded and Curious: True spirituality encourages growth, exploration, and self-awareness. It’s okay to question what you’ve been taught, even if it feels uncomfortable. Explore different perspectives, books, podcasts, and philosophies. This doesn’t mean abandoning your faith—it means deepening your understanding and developing beliefs that resonate with your true self.

2. Step Outside Your Usual Circles: Don’t be afraid to explore spiritual traditions or ideas outside your usual faith community. This is about enriching your spiritual life and allowing yourself to grow. Trust yourself to discern what feels right for you.

3. Seek Support Beyond the Familiar: If you’re in a situation where your faith community feels controlling or abusive, seek advice and support from trusted individuals outside of that circle. Whether it’s a therapist, a trusted friend, or someone from a different community, fresh perspectives can provide clarity and relief.

Conclusion: Spirituality as a Source of Healing

Remember, spirituality, at its best, is about growth, love, and compassion. It’s meant to nurture you, not control or harm you. By staying aware of how spirituality can be misused, you can reclaim your spiritual journey as a source of healing, connection, and freedom.

For more insights on spiritual abuse, check out this video