Are you single after an abusive relationship? Click here for a YouTube video on this topic.

The period of time after leaving an abusive relationship is a highly vulnerable one and a key opportunity to rebuild and establish foundations for new relationship patterns in the future. 

Survivors of abusive relationships often have concerns about starting new relationships. Some want to start a new relationship as quickly as possible to soothe the pain and loneliness after a painful break up. Others want to avoid relationships entirely, fearful of getting hurt again and often not trusting their own judgement.

I suggest 3 important steps for healing and recovery that can help you get in the way to establishing healthy foundations for future relationships

1. In the immediate aftermath of an abusive relationship there is often a sense of crisis, exhaustion and confusion. At this stage, a priority is to establish nurturing rhythms that help to support and sustain you. This might be having a good sleep routine, eating regular meals and engaging in every day activities. This can feel somewhat forced and effortful. I often liken it to rehab exercises after a broken leg. It can feel tiresome and frustrating, but gradually over time, movement and a sense of ease and freedom might return (albeit with some vulnerabilities that may need ongoing attention and support). 

2. As you begin to get stronger and calmer, being single after an abusive relationship can be a time to connect with your own values and priorities. In an abusive relationship, you likely came to neglect your own interests. Now is your opportunity to explore and discover, to try new things, to form new friendships and pursue life goals that matter to you. You don't have to have all the answers or even a clear sense of where you want to go. But you can explore, get to know yourself and discover new things about yourself and you can give them the importance and priority they deserve.

3. Abusive relationships often result in isolation and withdrawal from other people. It isn't realistic for any relationship to meet all our emotional needs. Nor it is realistic for us to meet all our partner's needs. Humans are social creatures and we need our community. Building our village around us is an important part of healing after abusive relationships. Giving time and attention to friendships and family relationships (with people who treat you in a respectful and caring manner) is vital. Wider relationships allow your emotional and relational needs to be met regardless of whether or not you are in a romantic relationship. They also offer opportunities to practice new relationship patterns. You can learn to say no, to say yes with enthusiasm, to ask for things and experience what it is to be treated respectfully in relationships. You can also learn navigate differences of opinion, competing needs and disappointments in relationships, without the relationship coming under threat or anyone resorting to demanding, critical or abusive behaviour.

Having a village around you, knowing you have a place and people who care about you can be a secure foundation from which to explore future romantic relationships. Aside from helping foster healthy relationship patterns, your community can steady you and give you confidence to say no and walk away if something feels off or you aren't on the same page as a potential new partner.