To see my YouTube video on this topic click here.

Revenge fantasies are normal and understandable after we experience an injustice. They can sometimes serve a function of allowing us to feel strong and powerful after experiences of feeling weak, powerless or humiliated. However, they come with a cost. They can leave us exhausted, agitated and on edge. They can keep other people at a distance and they can stop us from being able to embrace and take care of feelings of hurt, grief and loss.

If you're experiencing revenge fantasies, I hope this gives you some reassurance that they are part of the human condition and that they do not make you a bad person, nor are they something to be ashamed of. If you are able to slow down and make space to truly take care of yourself, you can ask yourself what most offended you about the experience that you went through. Perhaps it was the experience of betrayal when you value honesty, trust and integrity? Or maybe you value gentleness and compassion and were treated with cruelty. As you get close to tender feelings of grief, loss and vulnerability, you can really take care of yourself and give yourself what you need. You may also find you are able to open up more to people around you and allow them to meet your needs and take care of you. This can be difficult if you are someone who tends to be strong, independent and self reliant. However, learning to truly take good care of yourself and to give yourself the opportunity to life a full, vibrant life where you pursue the values and relationships that are important to you is more likely to give you a sense of freedom and peace of mind than revenge fantasies ever will. It takes tremendous courage and tenacity to rebuild life after major betrayals, abuse and victimisation.

Sometimes, it can help to have a guide along the way. One of my personal heroines is Dr Edith Eger, a clinical psychologist who specialises in trauma. Dr Eger is a holocaust survivor who is a living embodiment of how living well is truly the best revenge. She sees her beautiful grandchildren and family as her revenge towards Hitler and has helped many thousands of trauma survivors through her work and writing. I will leave you with her wisdom:

"...the biggest prison is in your own mind, and in your pocket you already hold the key: the willingness to risk, the willingness to release yourself from judgment and reclaim your innocence, accepting and loving yourself fro who you really are - human, imperfect, and whole." Edith Eger, The Choice, 

Link to Dr Eger's book on amazon.co.uk

Link to Dr Eger's book on amazon.com