If you’ve experienced deep hurt or abuse in a close relationship, you might find yourself hypersensitive or even overreacting in your other relationships. This is a natural response, though it can feel overwhelming and isolating. Understanding the root cause of these reactions is a powerful first step towards healing.

The Root of Mistrust

Experiences of abuse, deception, or betrayal leave a profound impact, often creating a lingering sense of mistrust in others. The pain colours how you interpret behaviour, turning even small slights—like a missed call or an offhand comment—into potential threats. Your instincts may put you on high alert, ready to defend yourself against perceived dangers.

This hypervigilance might manifest as confrontation, withdrawal, or conflict avoidance. While these responses are meant to protect you, they can perpetuate feelings of loneliness and mistrust, creating a cycle of fear and disconnection. The good news? This cycle can be disrupted.

Step 1: Calm Your Body Before Addressing Conflict

When you feel your heart pounding, adrenaline surging, and emotions boiling over, it’s a signal to pause. In these moments, your body is in fight-or-flight mode, which can cloud your judgement and lead to impulsive reactions. Instead of confronting the situation immediately:

• Take deep breaths to slow your heart rate.
• Go for a walk or engage in light exercise.
• Distract yourself with an activity that soothes you.

By calming your body, you create space to think more clearly and approach the situation with a level head.

Step 2: Question Your Thoughts

Past experiences of hurt can influence your interpretations of current situations. You may find yourself jumping to worst-case conclusions: “They didn’t return my call because they don’t care about me,” or “They’re being short with me because they don’t respect me.”

While your feelings are valid, it’s essential to remind yourself that these interpretations are shaped by past experiences and may not reflect reality. Try to zoom out and consider other possibilities. Perhaps they were busy, stressed, or simply distracted. Stay curious and open-minded, rather than assuming the worst.

However, this doesn’t mean dismissing your instincts entirely. Survivors of abuse often doubt their perceptions, worrying they’re overreacting or being too sensitive. Balance is key: validate your feelings while remaining open to the possibility that your initial interpretation may not be accurate

Step 3: Name and Address Your Emotions

When intense emotions like anger, sadness, or fear arise, take a moment to name them. For example, “This is anger,” or “This is hurt.” Naming your emotions can help you acknowledge them without being overwhelmed.

These feelings may stem more from past experiences than your present reality. Even so, they deserve care and attention. Comfort yourself by doing something soothing, or confide in a trusted friend who will listen with kindness and empathy.

As you tend to your emotions, you can begin to separate past wounds from current situations. Remind yourself that the urgency you feel may be misplaced and that you are in a different, safer context now.

Step 4: Change Your Behavioural Patterns

Reflect on how you typically react when you feel threatened. Do you lash out, withdraw, or become overly accommodating? These patterns often fuel the very issues they aim to solve, leading to further conflict or disconnection.

Instead, pause before reacting. Let the intensity of your emotions settle, and then consider whether your feelings stem from the present situation or past triggers. Communicating this to the other person can also help. For instance, you might say, “I need some time to think before I respond.” This approach creates space for thoughtful, measured responses instead of impulsive reactions.

When you’re ready to address the situation, focus on clear and respectful communication. Express your thoughts and feelings assertively but without blame. For example:

• “I felt hurt when you didn’t return my call because I value our connection.”
• “I know you didn’t mean it, but that joke touched on a sensitive subject for me.”

Pay attention to how the other person responds. Are they empathetic, apologetic, and willing to make amends? Or are they dismissive or unkind? Their reaction can provide valuable insight into the health of your relationship.

Building Trust and Moving Forward

Rebuilding trust after hurtful and abusive relationships can feel like an impossible task, but it’s achievable. By calming your body, questioning your thoughts, addressing your emotions, and changing your behavioural patterns, you can break the cycle of fear and overreaction.

This process not only helps you build healthier relationships with others but also strengthens your trust in yourself. And as you learn to navigate relationships with clarity and balance, you create space for deeper, more fulfilling connections.

If you’d like to explore how to rebuild trust in new relationships, check out this video [linked here].