In some relationships, couples fall into a pattern of breaking up, making up and breaking up again. Reactive break-ups typically occur in response to arguments or conflict when partners are feeling angry and upset with each other. Each is solely focused on all the things that are wrong with their partner and negative feelings towards the other person. Later, when the dust settles, each person may start to remember aspects of the other person that they like and appreciate and they may also start thinking about the harsh realities of ending a relationship and starting the process of disentangling shared lives and starting fresh as a single person. This can lead to each party reconsidering the break up. Whilst this may bring some immediate relief, it typically fosters relationship insecurity and volatility.

Committing to not engaging in a reactive break up can help a couple to feel more stable and encourage each party to commit to working through conflicts. This doesn't necessarily mean staying in the room. It can be necessary to take space to calm down and return to a conversation when both partners are more able to engage constructively (eg. nobody is drunk or over tired and each partner has had a chance to soothe their own emotions and bring their most healthy, adult self to the conversation). This can help soothe fears of abandonment and help the couple build their capacity to tolerate conflict and repair the relationship in ways that bring them closer together and reduce volatility.

Planned break ups are different. They require that the person who wants to end the relationship brings their wisest self to the decision and reflect on the entirety of the relationship, weighing up both positive and more difficult aspects of it. They also require the person to think through the implications of leaving the relationship and to begin to make some plans for disentangling shared living arrangements, finances and coparenting if needed. A planned break up is painful and difficult but ultimately is kindest, calmest and in the best interests of everyone involved. It also tends to be a more stable decision than an impulsive, reactive break up, sparing everyone involved from a repeated cycle of breaking up and making up and all the anxiety that can bring. 

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