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Most people who have been through an abusive relationship with a narcissistic person describe being 'love bombed'. This includes idealisation, big gestures, gifts, excitement, infatuation and high hopes for the future. This is often thought about as one of the hall marks of how a narcissist behaves in a relationship. It fits with one of the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, which is having fantasies of ideal love.

It is true that people who are high in pathological narcissism, do typically idealise their partners to an extreme degree. However, many people in healthy, happy relationships also describe idealising their partners, especially in the early stages of a relationship. They will say things like they 'just knew' this was the one for them and they experienced a lot of chemistry and attraction. Research from social psychology demonstrates that this kind of positivity, what is sometimes called a positive illusion, isn't bad for relationships at all. In fact, it predicts how long people stay in a relationship and how happy they are.

I tend to see love bombing as an exaggerated form of this behaviour. In abusive relationships, the affection and attention is then often withdrawn and reinstated as a means of controlling and manipulating the other person. Its important to understand that you are not an 'idiot' if you 'fell for lovebombing.' In fact, lovebombing often mirrors a normal, healthy stage in romantic relationships. If you're anxious about starting new, how can you tell if what you're experiencing is normal early butterflies and excitemen or a sign of potential abuse ahead?

STRATEGY ONE

Assert some boundaries and see how the other person responds. This doesn't require being loud or angry. It can be simple, calm and matter of fact. What happens if you decline an invitation because it doesn't suit you or communicate that you have other commitments and priorities that are important to you such as seeing your family and friends? How do they respond? If they accept and support your decisions and priorities, that's a good sign. If they have boundaries and other priorities of their own, that's also a good sign. By contrast, if they complain, try to talk you out of what you really want to do, then that may be a sign that this early infatuation is no longer fun but is tipping into a relationship that is crossing your boundaries and limiting your autonomy and freedom . 

STRATEGY TWO

Express some disagreement. I don't mean start an argument, but don't be afraid to share your true opinion. Not interested in a movie your new partner wants to see? Say so. Not a fan of their favourite music? Say so. I'm not suggesting you insult their taste or that you never compromise and see movies that are more interesting to your partner than they are to you. But do share your true thoughts in a respectful, direct and gentle way and observe their reaction. Can they see you as a separate person and respect that your perspectives and preferences may be different to theirs? Or do you they become irritable, angry or controlling. Do they expect you to fall in line with them? 

If you are experiencing bubbles, butterflies, excitement and attraction in a new relationship with a partner who respects your boundaries, has boundaries of their own and welcomes differences between you, then relax and enjoy this fun part of a new romance. Take your time and don't rush into any commitments until you've seen, over a longer period of time, that this person can be consistent, respectful and loving in the long run. 

However, if you have been through an emotionally abusive relationships, you're likely accustomed to big highs and crushing lows. By comparison a healthy relationship may feel a little boring and dull by comparison. It's a bit like moving from a frightening rollercoaster to a kiddie ride. No, you might never want to get back on the rollercoaster again but riding the kiddie rides may seem a little boring. If that's the case, understand that this relative calm is not a sign of boredom, but a lack of the worst kind of "excitement" imaginable. In situations like this, it can be helpful to give a new partner more of a chance and give love some space and time to grow. A calm, peaceful relationship is far from boring. In fact, it can be a nurturing place from which you and your partner can springboard into all kinds of adventures as individuals and as a couple.