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Some people have been led to believe that 'no contact' or 'grey rock'  are the only ways to cope with a relationship with a narcissistic person. These are strategies developed by survivors of abuse that are designed to either completely end or at the very least minimise emotional engagement with an abusive person. They are important and vital strategies for keeping you safe if someone is abusing you.

However, they are not healthy strategies to foster better relationships. It is important to remember that narcissism exists on a spectrum and that not all highly narcissistic people are abusive and not all behave aggressively, critically or coldly in all circumstances and at all times. In short, sometimes it is complicated. I see this most often when I work with adult children of narcissistic parents, but also in couples where one partner may have some level of unhealthy narcissism and behaves hurtfully at times, but there may be some good qualities in the relationship.

Sometimes when people seek my help they think I am going to tell them that they should end their relationship or cut off contact with their parent. However, this is not my decision to make and I recognise that relationships are complicated and feelings may be mixed. Often, it is possible to consider ways that someone can navigate a difficult relationship with a narcissistic person with a greater sense of calm, and stronger boundaries. 

What can you do in this situation to improve the relationship? I wish I could offer a 10 step process to follow with guaranteed results, but relationships and people do not work this way. Instead I suggest starting with yourself so you can bring the strongest, sturdiest and wisest version of yourself to the relationship.

In order to do this, it is important to acknowledge to yourself all the ways that the person has affected you, for good and bad. Acknowledging ways that you have been hurt, gives you the opportunity to care for your own pain and meet the needs that have not been met in that relationship. As you do, you can start to develop a strong, inner, compassionate adult who is able to hold, nurture and protect your more vulnerable self. 

It is also important to look at the coping strategies you have developed in order to manage a difficult relationship. Do you become the people pleaser? The compliant one? The quiet one? Or perhaps you become the fighter and engage in conflict, standing up for yourself but in a way that feels enraging and may lead to more antagonism.

Understanding these coping modes, the ways they have served you and the ways they have fallen short or contributed to further harm is also helpful. Sometimes, we need to ask our inner people pleaser or our inner fighter to take a step back and allow our healthiest, wisest adult to take charge of our reactions at times of hurt and conflict. A healthy adult who can stay calm, advocate for you is a much better version of you to engage with a narcissistic person than your most vulnerable self or the parts of you that might comply, people please or fight.

As you bring your healthy adult to the relationship, you can consider how much or little time you want to spend with the other person, how you can stay calm in a conflict, hold healthy boundaries and take care of yourself whilst inviting the other person to relate to you in a respectful manner. 

I cannot guarantee any results. The outcome will depend on the other person. I have certainly seen relationships settle and come to a place that is more acceptable to everyone involved. Unfortunately, I have also seen narcissistic people respond to the most gentle and calm assertive communication with the utmost of aggression and cruelty. This is certainly not the fault of the communicator. Whatever the reaction, being able to view is as a healthy adult and not get caught up in it, will allow you to evaluate what it means for you, recover more quickly from distressing emotions in response to hurtful behaviour and make wise decisions about the future of the relationship.