Should we hold on tight or let go? This question sits at the heart of many relationships. In this post, we’re diving into a fascinating topic: Do we need to stay attached to feel secure, or is there wisdom in practicing non-attachment? What insights can mindfulness, meditation, and spiritual teachings offer us about the bonds we share? And does the scientific view of attachment clash with spiritual wisdom, or could they actually complement each other?

These are big questions, and while I’m no expert in Buddhism or meditation, I am passionate about relationships and how they’re expressed in different cultures. A recent question from the comments of one of my YouTube videos got me thinking about the dynamics of attachment and non-attachment. The viewer said that they were confused because they can see they have attachment needs in their relationships and yet, in practicing Buddhist meditation, they had been taught that attachment leads to suffering. 

Is there a way to make sense of this contradiction?

Understanding Attachment

The concept of attachment varies significantly across different contexts. In Buddhist practices and contemporary psychology, it’s a term that’s widely used but interpreted quite differently.

In Buddhism, attachment refers to our tendency to cling to people, things, or ideas in the hope that they’ll bring us lasting happiness. This clinging can make us feel temporarily secure but ultimately leads to suffering because of the impermanent nature of all things.

From a psychological perspective, attachment refers to the emotional bonds we form, starting with our caregivers in infancy. Healthy attachment is seen as essential for emotional development, security, and well-being.

Introducing Non-Attachment

Contrary to what some might think, non-attachment isn’t about withdrawal or indifference. Instead, it’s about engaging more deeply. Non-attachment allows us to love others and accept circumstances without being controlled by our desires or aversions. It encourages living with greater wisdom and compassion, recognizing the transient nature of experiences and relationships.

But what does emotional clinging actually look like in a relationship? Let me share an example from my own life.

A Personal Example: Love Without Clinging

My partner is affectionate, kind, and considerate, but he’s not sentimental. He’s not the type to buy a keepsake to remember a trip. Instead, he’s the kind of person who, without asking, will put an AirTag on my keys so I spend less time searching for them.

Early in our relationship, I could’ve mistaken this for a lack of emotional expression. I might have imagined it meant he cared less than I did. But by practicing non-attachment, I learned to appreciate him for who he is—valuing his loyalty, pragmatism, and problem-solving skills.

This simple personal experience helped me understand what non-attachment means. It’s about recognizing the difference between our expectations and reality and choosing to love and accept what is, rather than clinging to what we think should be.

Practicing Non-Attachment in Daily Life

Non-attachment isn’t just a high-level concept; it can transform your day-to-day interactions. For example, if your partner comes home in a bad mood, your initial reaction might be to feel defensive or upset. You could get attached to the idea that they’re grumpy or neglectful of you.

But if you detach from those immediate feelings, you might recognize that your partner just had a tough day and needs space or a listening ear. By responding with understanding rather than frustration, you build a stronger, more compassionate bond.

That said, non-attachment doesn’t mean being a doormat or tolerating harmful behavior. Buddhism teaches idiot compassion, where someone is naively kind without considering the consequences. Real compassion is wise and discerning, knowing when to set boundaries and say no.

Non-Attachment and Leaving Harmful Relationships

Non-attachment can also empower you to leave relationships that are causing you harm. If you’re clinging to the idea that things will improve when all evidence says otherwise, practicing non-attachment helps you see the situation clearly. It gives you the strength to prioritize your well-being and leave when necessary.

The Science of Healthy Attachment

Now, let’s explore attachment from the perspective of contemporary psychology. Interestingly, healthy attachment doesn’t mean being in tune with each other 100% of the time. In fact, studies suggest that caregivers are attuned to their babies about 30% of the time!

Healthy attachment allows for difference and separation. It’s having the confidence that your relationship can weather conflict and come back together. It’s a secure base where you know you’re safe, loved, and cared for, even when you venture out to explore the world.

Balancing Attachment and Non-Attachment

In adult relationships, healthy attachment means caring deeply for each other while respecting each other’s freedom and autonomy. Non-attachment from a spiritual perspective and healthy attachment from a psychological perspective both guide us toward a balanced way of loving. They teach us that connection isn’t about clinging or merging completely but about creating space for freedom, growth, and mutual respect.

As humans, we may naturally lean toward one side more than the other, sometimes creating tension in our relationships. Understanding this balance can help us navigate those tensions more effectively.

Conclusion: The Wisdom of Both Worlds

Both spiritual non-attachment and psychological attachment offer valuable insights into how we relate to each other. Non-attachment teaches us to let go of expectations, while healthy attachment assures us that our relationships can endure separation, conflict, and difference.

By integrating these concepts, we can live more freely, love more deeply, and cultivate relationships that are both secure and spacious.

If you’re curious about how these dynamics play out, especially when a couple comes from different spiritual or attachment styles, check out this video