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Many contemporary stories echo ancient tales and hold resonance today. In "Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone", Dumbledore finds Harry transfixed by the "Mirror of Erised". Erised is "desire" spelt backwards, and the person who gazes in the mirror sees their heart's deepest desires. Harry, an orphan, sees his parents loving and caring for him. No wonder he struggles to look away.

In a much older tale, the exceptionally attractive Narcissus falls head over heels in love with his own vision of beauty and perfection. He reaches out to kiss and hold his lover. His entire face turns cold, he cannot breathe and his lover's face distorts beyond all recognition. Narcissus has not fallen in love with a real human who can return his affection. He has become transfixed by his image in a lake into which he will eventually plunge to death in pursuit of his fantasy lover. 

Pathological narcissism can be thought of as being in love with an ideal fantasy self. Any of us, can become enthralled by an ideal, beautiful and fantastical fantasy of ideal love, power, success or morally righteous revolution. 

When I work with people who have been deeply hurt in their romantic relationships by a highly narcissistic partner, it is not unusual for them to go back again and again and again. Nor is it uncommon for them to struggle to accept a relationship with someone who is attentive, straightforward and ordinary. In other words, someone who is real, authentic and capable of precisely the kind of loving, nurturing relationship they desire. Why reject such a realistic possibility of authentic love? Usually, the explanation given is a lack of chemistry or something missing. I cannot help but wonder if what is missing is the ideal fantasy. Real life can seem boring and mundane by comparison to the fantastical vision in the mirror. It seems easy to mistake peace for lack of chemistry or excitement.

Narcissus's story was never his alone. The original myth is of 'Echo and Narcissus'. Echo was a beautiful, spritely garden nymph.  Story has it that Zeus liked to visit earth to enjoy the company of Echo and her friends. His wife, Hera, became suspicious and set out to find her husband. Echo, seeing her coming, tried to distract her with endless chatter. Hera, realising what Echo is doing is incandescent with rage and meats out a cruel and unusual punishment. She curses Echo, allowing her to keep her voice but only to repeat the last words she heard someone else speak. Echo can only Echo.  

Echo, like many others, falls in love with Narcissus but can only repeat back to him whatever he says. She loses her own voice and lives small and quietly in the thrall of Narcissus and his beautiful fantasy. As with all the other real world lovers who ever came his way holding out the possibility of connection, Narcissus cruelly rejects her and she flees in shame and despair to remote caves where legend has it she still lives today, heard in the echoes of words spoken in caves and deep valleys. 

According to Dumbledore, grown men have starved to death gazing at their desires in the "Mirror of Erised." With wisdom and compassion he advises Harry that "It does not do to dwell on dreams and neglect to live." He removes the mirror and tells Harry he must not look for it, leaving Harry to the wonderful, messy and imperfect world of friendship and self discovery. 

Sometimes we need to choose what is real over our own or someone else's fantastical desires. We need to choose the real job or business pursuit over a lofty but potentially unattainable goal. We need to deal with the messiness of life rather than insist on ideals and perfection in ourselves, or in people around us. Real may not be so beautiful, perfect or polished, but it is real. Real can be touched and embraced and can touch and embrace in response. That is the invitation to both Narcissus and Echo, to get up from the lake and the most enchanting of images and begin the slow, uncertain and sometimes anxiety provoking adventure of nurturing real, intimate and genuine relationships with themselves and with others.