If you’ve been through a hurtful or abusive relationship, hearing the words “be kinder to yourself” might feel like a cruel joke. Maybe you think, “Be kind to myself? After all the criticism and harshness I’ve endured? With this constant voice in my head telling me I’m worthless, I’ll always be betrayed, and I don’t deserve love? How could I possibly do that?”

Self-kindness is something that can change, even if it feels impossible right now. Let’s explore where self-criticism comes from, why we hold onto it, and how to start shifting toward self-compassion.

Where Does Self-Criticism Come From?

Self-criticism often feels like it’s your own voice, but it’s usually an echo of harsh messages you’ve received from others over time. Hurtful words and actions can take root, shaping how you see yourself and coloring your thoughts.

Perhaps you’ve internalized these messages:

• “You’re not good enough.”
• “You’re the problem.”
• “You’ll always be too much or not enough for anyone to truly love you.”

Over time, these messages become the lens through which you view yourself, leading to a cycle of self-blame and harshness.

Why We Hold on to Self-Criticism

Logically, you might think the answer is simple: “Of course I want to stop being hard on myself.” But very few people respond with an enthusiastic yes when asked to let go of self-criticism.

Why? Because self-criticism can feel like a defense mechanism. It seems to protect us from further pain, even though it does more harm than good.

Here’s how it might work for you:

1. Beating Others to the Punch

You criticize yourself before anyone else can. This feels like an emotional shield, bracing you for rejection or harsh words.

2. Self-Control Through Harshness

Being hard on yourself might feel like a way to “keep yourself in check”—preventing neediness, emotional vulnerability, or behaviors you fear would push others away.

3. Blaming Yourself to Stay in Control

In abusive relationships, self-blame can create a false sense of power. If the problem is you, then maybe you can fix it, and the relationship will improve. But the truth is, you can’t change someone else’s abusive behavior by changing yourself.

How’s That Working for You?

Ask yourself:

• Would you recommend self-criticism as a strategy to a friend?
• Would you rate it a 10/10 life strategy?

I’m guessing your answer is no. Yet it’s so hard to give up because it feels safer than the alternative: being kind to yourself.

The Painful Truth About Self-Compassion

If you choose to treat yourself with kindness, it won’t feel good right away. After years of harshness, kindness—even from yourself—can feel unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or overwhelming.

When you start to let in kindness, you may feel emotions like sadness, grief, anger, or shame bubbling to the surface. It’s like thawing frozen hands in warm water—it hurts before it heals. But this discomfort is a sign you’re moving in the right direction.

How to Start Building Self-Compassion

Self-compassion doesn’t have to be overwhelming or dramatic. Think of it as turning the temperature up one degree at a time.

Here are some practical ways to start:

1. Small Acts of Self-Care

• Rest when you’re tired.
• Eat regular, nourishing meals.
• Get outside, move your body, or simply breathe fresh air.

These acts aren’t about big emotional breakthroughs; they’re about meeting your basic needs with care.

2. Infuse Everyday Tasks with Kindness

You don’t have to add more to your to-do list. Instead, shift the way you approach what you’re already doing.

• Drink your morning coffee with the intention of savoring it.
• Brush your teeth or shower while reminding yourself, “This is an act of care for me.” 

Why Self-Compassion Feels Hard

Learning self-compassion is like moving to a new country—you’re navigating unfamiliar territory. It takes time to learn the language and customs. At first, it feels awkward and foreign, but over time, it becomes second nature.

The first step might simply be acknowledging how hard and painful this journey is. Even considering self-compassion is a step in the right direction. With time and patience, self-compassion can begin to feel more familiar—like coming home to yourself.

Next Steps

Self-compassion is a process, not an overnight change. Small, consistent steps add up to profound transformation.

You might want to watch this YouTube video to explore further