Anger after an abusive relationship
Dec 06, 2022
We often see anger as a negative emotion that needs to be managed and controlled. Whilst I would not suggest allowing your anger to lead to aggressive or violent behaviours, anger is fundamentally a healthy emotion that we feel in response to perceiving wrongdoing or injustice towards ourselves or someone we care about. When I work with survivors of abuse in therapy, they are often alarmed at the strength of their angry feelings. Indeed, it is not unusual for them to have been told that their anger, frustration or objection to how they have been treated is excessive or an over-reaction. Some may even have been blamed or punished for feelings of anger.
An interesting thought experiment may be to imagine a world without anger. Would you want to live in such a world? A world where nobody objects to or fights against injustice? A world where nobody stands up for themselves or other people in response to cruelty and aggression? Anger is a healthy emotion that can drive us to work for justice, stand up against oppression, aggression or violence and protect ourselves and others.
I came across a beautiful piece of writing by poet and philosopher David Whyte, who starts with "Anger is the deepest form of compassion." If you can find the courage to slow down and look at what is underneath your anger, you may find yourself quickly in touch with the most hurting, wounded and vulnerable parts of yourself. You may find an angry inner child, furious at the injustice he or she has experienced and in need of validation, acceptance and protection. You may find a fierce, angry protector ready to come out all guns blazing to protect your more vulnerable self, but not always in the most skilled or effective ways.
Sometimes, it is tempting to focus on the person who hurt you, perhaps wondering if they were a "narcissist" or a "psychopath". It is understandable to want to understand the person who abused you. It is also essential to recognise that abuse is the responsibility of the abusive person, not the person who is abused. This may be particularly important if you have engaged in a lot of self-recrimination and self-blame in regard to abuse. However, anger can also lead you to become so focused on the person who abused you that you neglect to tend to yourself. Imagine a little child is being bullied in the playground. If a healthy adult steps in, they will keep the child being bullied safe and may take action to correct the bully. However, it would be wrong to focus only on the bully. The child who has been bullied needs safety, soothing, comfort and care for any hurt or injury caused by the bullying. The child may need support to rebuild their self-esteem and to establish warm, nurturing friendships.
When you feel angry, it may be valuable to explore what is underneath that anger and to identify ways that you have been hurt, damage that has been caused (e.g. to your self-esteem, your ability to trust) and to take care of those parts of yourself. Your anger can also highlight your values and how they have been violated in the relationship. Maybe you have a value of being treated with warmth and gentleness. Maybe you have a value of being warm, friendly and open and able to enjoy many relationships. Perhaps you have a value of working hard, pursuing your life goals and taking pride in your work. An abusive relationship could undermine any of these values, eroding your self-compassion and self-respect, sowing discord and distance in your wider relationships or diminishing your achievements and the importance of your life goals. Healing and recovery from abuse can focus on the areas that have been the most undermined and which are the most important to you.
Feeling anger tin this way can be incredibly vulnerable and tender. It invites you to look inwards and draw close to the hurt that you feel. That can feel much more overwhelming than simply getting angry towards an abusive person. It asks you to be the healthy adult in the playground who takes care of your own vulnerability and to give yourself attention, care and support. It also puts your attention where it ought to be. On you and your needs. This opens the possibility of nurturing yourself, rebuilding self respect and self compassion, strengthening you, enabling you to feel soothed and call. If you do need to deal with an abusive person or someone whose behaviour is very difficult for you, then it is extremely important to tend to your own vulnerabilities and build a sturdy, healthy adult who can calmly take charge, like the healthy grown up in the playground to act wisely and in your interest in provocative situations. Whilst, this may or may not impact the behaviour of the other person, it will certainly give you the best possible chance of meeting your needs and not escalating a volatile situation or person.
Most importantly, approaching anger in this way opens the possibility of anger leading to you BOTH tending to yourself AND strengthening healthy boundaries in your relationships to keep yourself safe.
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