Who is responsible for the impact of someone else's abusive behaviour on you?

This is a complex question that many grapple with, and it was recently raised in the comments section of my YouTube channel. In this blog post, we’ll delve into this issue, exploring the nuances of responsibility, healing, and personal growth. Whether you’re dealing with the fallout of a narcissistic relationship or struggling with the influence of a controlling parent, I hope to offer some insights that might resonate with you.

Understanding Responsibility

First, let’s clarify what we mean by responsibility. Are we talking about blame, or are we referring to a duty to address the impact of the behaviour? It’s important to recognise that while we cannot be blamed for someone else’s actions, we do hold the responsibility for our own healing. If someone physically harms you, the injury is their fault, but the responsibility to seek medical care and heal from that injury lies with you. Similarly, for psychological harms, the onus of healing rests on the individual who has been hurt.

The Legacy of Abusive Parents

Think of abusive behaviour from parents as a flawed foundation for your psychological home. If your parents were abusive or neglectful, they left you with a shaky structure that might require substantial rebuilding. This is not your fault, but recognising the need for reconstruction and taking responsibility for it can significantly benefit you.

For the original commenter, the struggle lies in a career choice made to please a parent, leading to deep dissatisfaction and a realisation of unmet needs for validation, recognition, and freedom. This survival strategy, developed to cope with a demanding mother, has had significant downsides. It’s crucial to understand that this strategy was a means of meeting essential needs at the time and does not deserve harsh judgement.

Healing and Self-Exploration

Healing involves acknowledging the efforts made by your younger self to cope and survive. It’s about appreciating the attempts to gain validation and recognition, even if they came at a personal cost. Now, as an adult, it’s time to shift focus towards self-exploration and self-care.

Embark on a journey of getting to know yourself. Experiment with different aspects of life, from trivial things like clothing styles to significant decisions like career changes. This process of exploration is about discovering what you like, what excites you, and what aligns with your core values.

Building Boundaries and Understanding Parents' Behaviour

Creating a strong psychological home also involves establishing healthy boundaries. Decide who gets to be part of your life and to what extent. This includes making tough decisions about relationships with parents who may have been abusive. Understanding that they are wholly responsible for their actions is crucial, but it’s also helpful to consider the motivations behind their behaviour.

For some, parents’ hurtful behaviours stem from their own unmet childhood needs and traumas. This understanding can provide a perspective that helps in deciding the future of that relationship. While this doesn’t excuse or justify the behaviour, it might offer some empathy that could be valuable in your healing process.

Conclusion

Taking responsibility for your healing is a powerful step towards building a secure and healthy psychological home for yourself. It involves acknowledging past coping mechanisms without harsh judgement, embarking on a journey of self-discovery, and establishing healthy boundaries. Understanding the motivations behind the abusive behaviours of parents can also help in making informed decisions about those relationships moving forward.

For more on this, check out this video